Just the other day, I came across a social media post saying something to the effect of how great it was to be a single woman and life has never been better. My curiosity was piqued. Over one thousand comments of agreement, mostly from ladies giving summaries of their own experiences and how they would choose the single life any day over being with a man. This was the first time I had ever heard the term “decentering.”
Decentering is when women stop making relationships with men the center of their lives. In other words, they are not “looking” for someone, they are okay with not having children, or not having more, they don’t go out to “meet someone.” They go out to have fun with friends or family, or to have their own adventures. They openly admit pets are wonderful company and don’t give one hoot if the stereotypes of single ladies with cats are true. They would rather face that than be with a guy.
My mind was blown wide open with this whole idea. Unlike many women of today, I’ve always wanted children and a good reliable man. So the thought of moving the search for a partner completely to the side, and make enjoying my life for the sake of myself my main goal was kind of a foreign idea. But when I considered it, the whole thing makes a lot of sense. I can see why ladies are going this route. Having dealt with all of the men in my life, I’ve always wondered why they needed to be told basic things that grown people should already be aware of without being told. And I am speaking in the plural here.
I know there are many men out there, who in their own defense, say that they are able to do big heavy work that most women to this day will not do. But we’re not talking about specialized tasks here. The issue is human to human relationships. Basic respect, recognition of each other as individuals, and sharing in the raising and well-being of their own children. These are the areas that women have tried to give the benefit of the doubt to their partners and men have fallen short time and time again.
Women are checking out of the game. They are “quiet quitting” on a scale that is not yet quantified. The result of this action by so many intelligent practical women are, well, horrifying. This means that the family dynamic that has been the most basic unit of any society has fallen apart. It means every person for themselves, which is an inefficient use of resources. It means the birthrate, which is already exceeded by the death rate, will fall even further behind. Combine this with other factors affecting birth rates such as chemical exposure, pollution, and bad food and we may be looking at a drastically smaller population in fifteen to thirty years.
Women giving up on men and children and on having a family is a worldwide phenomenon. This is not happening in just the U.S. and Europe. It’s everywhere. Korea has the 4 B movement, which is women who commit to no dating, no sleeping with men, no marriage, and no children. It is still a relatively small group of women, but it is growing as Korean women face disrespect on so many levels of their lives.
China has already had a birth replacement problem from their one child only policies of the past, but now even with permission, many young Chinese women don’t want children because it’s too expensive. Japan has a well-known shortage of women and their men are struggling to find solutions.
We have global issue at hand. Women are, understandably, refusing to be used and discarded without regard for their humanity. They are often left raising children alone with little support and pay a high price for “once having the belief that a man was there for them” for the next twenty or more years of their lives. The men will be free to do more using and discarding many times over in that same amount of time with little consequence from society.
I am not overlooking the fact that toxic women exist and some men have been disillusioned as well. But its safe to say there are far more women who are refusing to engage in courtship than men, and social media posts like the one I found reflects that.
When mothers have to tell their coming of age daughter to seek a good guy, but be prepared to raise your children alone just in case, or else don’t have them, and mothers have to tell their sons to ignore what society is saying men should do and instead choose carefully and take responsibility come what may, will young sons and daughters listen to this wisdom? Will they choose to simply not play the game at all because the rewards are just not worth it? Or will they continue to perpetuate this mess that relationships have become?
When I did my own little thought experiment on decentering men, I was left feeling a little empty. If my energies were not directed towards making my family’s life better then where was my fulfillment going to come from. I’m not a career woman. I don’t care about traveling the world or climbing Everest. I’m happy when the house is neat, the food is good, and the children are happily playing. I realized there was an important component to life that was completely left out of most people’s calculations around where our energy should be directed towards. That area is spirituality.
A strong sense of connection to the divine is where I found my happy place outside of family. I don’t know what kind of spiritual life the many ladies who were enjoying singlehood have, but I do know the amazing sense of joy and peace and fullness that I feel when I tune into my own spirit. I guess if I were to decenter men from life, God would become the next focus for me and that actually feels exciting and wondrous.
Imagine if all the women who decentered men then “centered” their spiritual lives. What would this world look like? Would it turn around enough in fifteen to thirty years to make it safe to have children again? I can only wonder.
